Joyce's Jabberings

Revelations, or as a niece would say, epiphanies

2009-09-16T20:57:00.006-05:00

The trail to this epiphany is a little circuitous, but I will explain that some of it includes that I have started reading "The Gospel According to Oprah" by Marcia Z. Nelson... There were somethings in the beginning of the book that made me realize something about time: Most of you may be familiar with the Bible verses about there being a time for every season or purpose... Being a raised Catholic, I can not quote chapter and verse... The Byrds, in the 60s or 70s released a song, "Turn, Turn, Turn" which expresses the idea that there is a time for every season under heaven....(a time to be born, a time to die, etc). I have always understood this to mean that there is a time of year or a timeline for every event that happens

What I have not understood, until today, is that there is time for EVERY event that happens, under Heaven.. I mean, whatever is happening right now, right this minute, is allowed as much time as it needs, as it takes.... This means that I have permission, the right, the OBLIGATION, if you will, to take as much time as I need to, to experience this event that is happening right now... I know that for years I have not been able to wait patiently, sit still, not multi-task, because I was rushing through life, perhaps without allowing time for the event at hand...What have I missed... What could I or should I have taken the time to experience?

So, for whatever is now happening, I have time to experience it, if I allow myself that time... what a revelation..

Part of this epiphany includes an experience while I was undergoing a medical procedure recently... The technician was asking me if I was in a hurry to go on to something else, explaining that her week had been full of people who were in a hurry to go on to something else, including one person who was trying to catch a plane...

I told her I used to be like that, but have learned, a long time ago, not to put myself in that position... I go to my appointments with nothing pending, nothing to rush for... I have always been blessed with
jobs with sick leave, but did not appreciate the time it allowed me... I have generally been blessed with jobs with flexible schedules, but again, did not appreciate the time it allowed me....Now, I just go, and accept the procedure at hand is the primary task, and whatever I can do to make waiting pleasant is a blessing.

I realized this when I heard a young mother ask when their turn for care would occur... They were "walk-ins" who had been waiting a while, and also needed to get some lab work done before closing, and it was getting late. The receptionist agreed to "hold" their spot, while they went for the lab work... I was thinking about how many times I had angrily asked when "my turn" would occur...I was so rude. What made me think my time was so important, I was so special, that I did not have to wait my turn... (what a jerk I was.)

I am grateful to have this revelation of time: to know that what I am doing is the most important thing I can and should be doing at this time, for this time of my life...

Haiku's Request

2009-08-29T16:39:00.008-05:00

I have 2 inside cats: Sake, the "Bitch Kitty" with too much hair who came into my life fairly self assured, very loved, and ever after the "Queen of the May."

Haiku was adopted when she was about 9 months old, from a family who did not abuse her, but was unable to put her welfare first... Her early nutrition was lacking, and her early home life was not as nurturing as it could have been, having been adopted by a freshman college student who left her home with a mother who was a Dachsund person (I am a Dachsund person, so I understand.) The transition to allowing and accepting Haiku into Sake's life has been, and continues to be a roller coaster... After about 3-4 weeks in residence, Haiku could be in the house, but she used every smaller kitten hiding place she needed to use, when she and Sake were in the house alone... I knew it, but the freedom to roam, was, I hope worth the times she had to hide... I don't know...

That was in 2002, and many, many experiences have passed that I shall not document here. But two are significant. About 3 years ago, Haiku told me she objected to some treatment she was recieving: she had ear mites, and after several applications of ointment to treat that problem, she told me she did not like it...She submitted, just the same, but never before had objected.... It was like before then, she did not know she could object. I was relieved that she could voice displeasure like that.. She had voiced displeasure when stumbled upon, or otherwise intruded upon, but not like that! Wow!

Well, soon after that, her ears returned to pink, and no longer needed treatment...

Haiku occasionally campaigns for kisses, especially in the morning, when I brush my teeth: she likes the mint flavored toothpaste. She, like, Sake, campaigns for me to awaken early, and feed breakfast... I don't mind the awakening early part, but am concerned that a 6 AM breakfast will result in a mid-morning snack request, a late morning snack request, a noon snack request, when I am home, you get the picture...

On the other hand, Haiku, and Sake help me manage my morning risings: the alarm goes off at 5:30 and I may or may not arise at that time... If I have had a bad night, neither cat awakens me until 7 AM, which, with an abbreviated morning routine, can get me to work by 8:15 AM. (I have a very flexible work schedule... Even on treatment team day, I could arrive at 8:15, and be available for treatment team, without, unfortunately, a review of overnight activities. But acceptable, not stellar.)

Sake likes to go outside... Her options include a pen in the back yard; a harness for the front yard, and the stroller... She lets her choices be known for the former two, but has not yet asked for the latter...

Haiku is fearful of the outside: the pen is scary to her... She may ask or acceed to the harness in the front yard, but even the least noise frightens her to returning to the house...She is tolerant but not happy about the stroller.

This summer has been very hot, and I have upped the daytime thermostat setting from 80 to 82. Bearable, even for me, if I am not doing physical work like house work, just reading, knitting, computering... Okay for the cats, who sometimes want to go into the garage to warm up (or so it would seem.)

When Haiku was introduced to the house, it was in the "office." She still claims that room, although Sake does roost on the desk by the east window, from time to time... When I vacuum, starting in the office, by the time I am done, Haiku has deposited fur clumps in the office...territorial marking. She likes to sleep on the office chair, but is sure to announce her presence, as in the past, not being aware of her presence, I have "sat on her." She frequently sleeps on the floor, using the chair base as a prop for her head... I have variably left the ceiling fan on during the summer...

Most recently, I left the ceiling fan on for about 10 days, then, since I was not using the desk top computer in that room, I did turned it off. That evening, Haiku, uncharacteristically, rubbing my legs, made motions for me to follow her.

We went into the "office." I could not console Haiku, so I picked her up, and she just looked up at the fan... I turned it on, and she continued to look at the fan, and shortly there after, got down. She was consoled.. Wow!!!

Coffee and Cigarettes

2009-05-20T21:18:00.004-05:00

I recently traveled to New York City for a family get together/celebration. I had occasion to use the Long Island Railroad, and on one part of the trip, sat next to a woman who was traveling to visit relatives on Long Island. Her speech was heavily accented, and what the accent was, I am not sure. We chatted some, it was a pleasant interchange. She made a very interesting observation:

We were talking about the changes in the city. She mentioned she had only taken an "air ride" once before. I had previously heard the term, but was not sure what it meant. I think, though, it meant the kind of train in which we were riding: smooth, little ambient noise, compared to the clacking, whooshing roar of some of the other trains and subways.

This woman also talked about how much cleaner the city was... I had to agree, although it has been 10 or 12 years since I was in New York City, and then, I was in lower Manhattan...But, I will say that my forays to Central Park, the Empire State Building, Grand Central Station and Time Square during this trip left me with the impression that the city was not as dirty as I had recalled.

The most interesting observation of this co-traveler was about coffee and cigarettes. She noted that years ago everything was filled with cigarette smoke: subways, trains, restaurants, etc... She commented now, that everyone has coffee with them... I began to think about it, and in many ways, she is right: think of how many Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts as well as local, non-chain coffee shops there are...And, what would happen to someone if they were denied their caffeine fix for a day..

I have long since said that people in AA change one addictive behavior for (an)other(s). I think AA members use coffee, cigarettes,and sometimes mints or other suckers to keep me from drinking. I think this woman's observations were right on target: The city is noticeably cleaner, but we now have caffeine addicts running around, trying to find another substitute and using caffeine as their "drug of choice."

We are either very Celebratory or very Foolhardy

2009-02-02T21:43:00.002-06:00

Today is February 2nd, traditionally celebrated as Groundhog Dog, the day Puxatawney Phil predicts the continuation of winter, or the onset of spring... This year, I was watching the television coverage and noticing all the hoopla, partying, festivities associated with this event. And, it has spread around the country, with various rodents making similar predictions. In Lubbock, it is Prarie Dog Pete...

The festivities surrounding this event amazed me and made we wonder why we are such a partying society. Is it truly celebration of the event, or just "we don't need a reason to party, we just do." Granted, the Groundhog Day groundswell of festivities occurred after the movie of the same name, but think of what else we celebrate. February 2nd is also "the day the music died." This is the day Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Richie Valens died in an airplane crash in Iowa, and this year is the 50th anniversary of the crash... Various commemorations acknowledged the event.

Think of what else we celebrate: the major holidays, of course, and a variety of Federal, State, County, local and religious holidays.

We have various designations for months: Breast Cancer Awareness Month, March is Social Work Month, Boss' Day, Administrative Assistants' Day; Black History Month. We celebrate sports: The college football bowl games, the Superbowl, Daytona 500, the World Series, March Madness. It is fitting that we celebrate the Presidential Inauguration, but it is not a national holiday. Mardi Gras and Halloween are important adult celebration days. Halloween has shifted from a children's celebration to an adult celebration. Mardi Gras is less about preparing for lent and more about a blow out bash.

Okay, I think about the Roman Empire, and some of my history memories include that the Roman Empire's decline in part was due to the hedonism of the leaders and the people... Are we headed that way?

I think acknowledgement and celebration are good, but I think moderation is the most vital factor in doing so... And honoring people is more important than events.

Cat Concepts

2008-11-02T07:23:00.002-06:00

I forgot to set the clocks back before I went to bed last night, but I am not sure that it would have made much of a difference. Somehow, quite uncannily, one or both of my cats insist almost every morning, that I get up before the alarm goes off. I do not understand this, but they do. Sometimes, I tell them to go away, and come back at such and such time, or to come back in 15 minutes. Usually they return quite accurately close to the time I instructed them to return. I mean, within minutes if not on the button. Rarely, do they go away and leave me alone. Yet, if I am not feeling well, and really do need extra sleep, I am permitted to sleep. I do not understand.

So, of course, the most insistent of the two cats wanted me to wake up this morning, about 5:25 AM, which, with the time change was really 4:25 AM. I promised to get up at 6, and sure enough, at 6, she was back. Sometimes, I do not keep my promise, but I was wide awake and ready to meet my day, so, up I got. And, after feeding breakfast that neither cat was in a hurry to eat, doing all the "cat chores," I eagerly opened the newspaper to read the story about the FANTASTIC Texas Tech victory over Texas yesterday. And, on the first page of the newspaper, along with THAT headline, was the reminder to set back your clocks. So, I did.

Well, the point is, I do not think it would have mattered if I had set my clocks back or not. My cats are on their own schedule, and do adjust, over time, with the time change, but by my changed behaviors, not by the time change. I do not think my cats understand the concept of time change. Sometimes, I think life would be easier if I only had to live by the concepts my cats could understand.

Intolerance

2008-10-27T20:22:00.003-05:00

Tonight I attended the last of four sessions on the Bible vs. the Quran. It was a very interesting class, and I suspect everybody in the group had their own agendas...There were some who had some baggage and definite anti-prejudices. Others were so bogged down in their own Christianity that they could not see Islam. Most, however, were searchers.. I want to be a searcher.

My closing comments included learning about our enemy, if they are our enemy, knowing this is a small world, focusing on similarities, not differences, and resolving differences. I also made the comment that we are very closed in some ways, and do not realize that many peoples in the world do not like Americans, as Americans do not like Muslims...

I don't think Americans do not like Muslims. I think Americans do not like the invasions of our country and the threats to the way of life we have, even if it is not always the best way of life to have. I think many countries see our wealthy consumptiveness as INTOLERABLE and UNCHRISTIAN and attack our ideals that support that...

One member talked about intolerance, and I did not really understand what she was trying to say, but it sounded like she wanted to stay on the same page of her life where she is.

I worry that that is me, and I do not want to stay on the same page of my life where I am ... I want to grow and be more aware and tolerant of the rest of the world. I am more and more aware that good stewardship of our Earth will lead to more tolerance for Americans! And, that good Stewardship means being ecologically prudent, being economically prudent, and being politically prudent, to cite a few realms. Oh my! I feel like I am juggling fire...

Melancholia and Nostalgia

2008-10-26T00:00:00.003-05:00

I like the word "melancholia" it really describes where I am at sometimes... And tonight, along with melancholia I am feeling some nostalgia. I am rethinking past experiences that were sweet, fine, mellow, exciting, soul soothing... I am blessed that I have these memories to consider... It makes me appreciate. Some of those experiences were unexpected, so somewhere, in my future, maybe there will be good experiences of the same ilk...

Donut Hole

2008-10-04T13:04:00.004-05:00

I am a social worker who works in a men's psychiatric prison in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice system. However, I am not employed by TDCJ, but by Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center, which is a contract provider to TDCJ.

Currently, I am assigned to a ward which houses 50 patients in single man cells, which is referred to as Administrative Segregation. What many used to think of as "solitary confinement." Additionally, there are two seclusion cells that are nothing more than concrete walls, floor and ceiling. A drain. A door and an outside window. No padding....

The ward where I work is populated by some of the sickest patients, and by some of the patients who show extremely bad behaviors, intentionally. They have what we call characterlogical disorders. Some of these intentional behaviors include such things as self mutilation by cutting with anything sharp that can be (illegally) acquired: razors, paint chips, tile, pieces of concrete, staples, wire, plastic. Other behaviors include stabbing oneself, inserting things into the rectum or penis, overdosing, hanging, swallowing things. Additionally these patients do things like spitting, throwing feces, urine, dirty water, blood, food or what have you. The smear some of the same things. They stop up drain pipes and cause flooding. They cover their windows with paper so their safety can not be ascertained.

Sometimes, these patients act out in such a way as to result in the security staff having to use physical force. Sometimes, the patient's intention really is to hurt security, sometimes, amazingly, the patient's intention is to get security to hurt the patient.

A favorite pastime of many of these patients is masturbation. This act is seen by staff for what it is: not an attempt at gratification, but an act of aggression.

This ward has one row, composed of 8 cells, in which some patients with "extreme" behaviors are monitored closely, in an effort to decrease the likelihood of their self-injurious behaviors. The patients have few privileges, but their privileges are reviewed weekly by the treatment team. The intent is to increase privileges, but still have the patients be able to be safe from themselves... As you can imagine, the patients housed on this row may not always be very happy.

The treatment team is composed of a nurse, provider(psychiatrist or PA), social worker, a ranking security officer, usually a Sargent, and a clerk who manages the paperwork. The social worker tends to do much of the preparation of the report, and can take responsibility for notifying patients of treatment team decisions, although security and nursing do so, also. For my ward, I provide a written notification, with reminders, information about upcoming reviews, and comments about expected behaviors. Most of the patients take this for what it is, but some personalize it as coming from the social worker, not the treatment team.

I work closely with the security staff and nurses on this word. We have to communicate frequently and, sometimes, at length about what is occurring. We have to coordinate and support each other. And, we have to trust each other's expertise in their area.

The security staff with whom I work are good men and women. They are subjected to verbal abuse regularly, and can not let it affect their professionalism. I have to believe there is a special place in Heaven for prison security officers. They have to move patients for me regularly, so the patient can be placed in an area in which I can safely interview them. This means a day room or consult room partitioned with expanded metal so there is no opportunity for physical contact by the patient. For the interviewer's safety. This actually affords the patient some modicum of privacy, as a security officer does not have to remain present for the interview, although, I have the discretion to request that, if I feel it is needed. Rarely, I do. But I do.

These security officers do their job well. They like to tease some, and frequently "campaign" for Krispy Kreme donuts. If you are not familiar with Krispy Kreme, think Dunkin' Donut, but richer, lighter, and with more intense flavor. Well, I do from time to time bring the officers some donuts.

Recently, some of the "extreme" patients on the closely monitored row have taken to call me "donut hole." It is true that communication is only 7% the words we speak, the rest being tone and volume, and non-verbal cues. I did not know that two innocent sounding words could take on such a vulgar sounding tone until these patients started calling me "donut hole." The intimation is that I am siding with security against the patients, and possibly in some ways they imagine that are inappropriate. It is meant as an insult, of course.

It makes no sense, to deliberately antagonize me, because I sit on the treatment team that makes decisions about their treatment, privileges, and programming. I am the clinician who offers psychoeducational programming for these patients. I do my best to be professional, fair and consistent with all of the patients assigned to my ward. I find myself advocating for someone who has threatened me, spit at me, or called me names. These patients chose not to know that they are creating their own problems by their behaviors, which is consistent with the fact that they did things to get themselves sent to prison.

Fortunately, there are just as many patients on my ward who are seriously working on their programs. Whose behaviors have noticeably improved, changed for the better, and who are benefiting from their efforts to help themselves. Most changes are small, but all are meaningful... I once had a supervisor who said if you can help one client a year, you can consider yourself successful. Maybe her expectations were too small, but that idea keeps me going...

I lost it last night, after work, thinking about the phrase "donut hole." The disrespect, disgust, and intonation with which it was being said was obvious to me. In the light of day, I realize that if I let it get to me, I run the risk of sinking to the same level as the persons saying those things.

This is the world in which I choose to live. I do feel I have made a difference, and I feel I can continue to do so...

It's just quiet

2008-09-23T20:52:00.002-05:00

So often, when I get home from work, after tending the kitties, I have the TV on for noise, news and entertainment, or at least, diversion... Not quite the same. Tonight, there was nothing that struck me as noisy, newsy, entertaining or diverting on the TV. I could turn to the radio or other music, but the music I have tonight are the road noises of the Loop, which is basically a limited access highway around the city, and the occasional vehicle going down the street.

I have been visited periodically by a cat who is looking for attention, then leaves.

I have done some computering, and some reading...

Mostly, I am just being. If the mosquitoes were not the size of mayflies, it would be a great night to sit outside, but the powers that be advise staying inside, and they are correct, what with the various mosquito borne illnesses (not malaria) that we have in this part of the world...

Tomorrow, I have an appointment, and Thursday, a class, after work, so truly, it is right to have a down night tonight.

I am reading "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" for the reading circle I have joined...This has lead me to read books I might not otherwise have chosen, and to enjoy them... So, I am glad of that.

I am just trying to expand my horizons, interests, knowledge base, and contacts in the world... And to keep my mind active....

The Democratic National Convention

2008-08-27T20:38:00.002-05:00

I have watched parts of the Democratic National Convention. I missed Senator Ted Kennedy's speech live, saw the re-run. I watched the brother of Mrs. Barack Obama introduce his sister, and watched her speech. I saw some of Senator Hillary Clinton's speech, but missed much of the content...

August 27, 2008, I had a doctor appointment. It is unusual for me to leave this doctor's office before 5 PM, but I was home by about 4:10 PM. I realized I had forgotten to put some mail out for the letter carrier, and I had a free movie from Blockbuster about to expire at the end of the month... There was time for a vigorous walk to the US Postal Service and then to Blockbuster and be home in time for the Yankee-Red Sox game this evening...

So, when I got home, I checked The Weather Channel... It was some minutes shy of the baseball game telecast, so I thought to check in on the convention, not expecting much to be happening....

New Mexico was up, next to cast their delegate votes, with Senator Barack Obama, having some 1500 plus compared to Senator Hillary Clinton's 340 plus...(I think.) New Mexico in their eloquent way, yielded to Illinois... Illinois yielded to New York... Senator Clinton came in and said two important things: all the votes will be counted, and then she made a motion to nominate Senator Obama by acclamation....It was a very emotional moment...And, of course, it was done!

I found myself in tears, and I do not know exactly why.. But, what this lead me to think is that I do want to do some sort of campaign work for Senator Obama... Things happen for a reason: Had I worked a full day, I might have been home and had the TV on at that time... More than likely, I would not have had the TV on, or, I probably would have tuned directly to ESPN where the baseball game was to be aired...(I checked into that before I left for work in the morning.)

The Olympics, Sort of by Accident

2008-08-25T06:13:00.001-05:00

I was really was not planning to watch the Olympics but Friday night, August 8, I stumbled upon the opening ceremony, and it was phenominal... So, I finished watching it. I loved the parade of nations, and kudos to NBC for identifying where the nations are on the globe. Because so many of us, self included, are not as worldly wise as we could be.

The importance of basketball internationally was brought home by several things:

Yao Ming carrying the Chinese flag, with the young hero Lin Hao, impressed me emotionally in a way I can not describe. Yao Ming is truly a national hero.

I do not understand "nation hopping." Well, maybe not all of it. Specifically, Becky Hammon, American born, but playing for the Russian team when she did not make the US team. For her, it is about playing, and playing in the Olympics...And, she was playing in Russia when not playing for the WNBA. I do not fault her nor any athlete who contracts to play for a nation other than their home nation. I think, in some respects, this helps to remind us "It's a Small World." Which, in some ways is a larger message of the Olympics than national pride. And, certainly, gives folks the opportunity to participate. From the perspective that it is a small world, "nation hopping" makes sense. From the perspective of national pride.... I have to wonder.

The torch lighting was beautiful.

Then, Saturday, I stumbled upon the women's basketball game between the US and Czechloslovakia. One of the things that impressed me was that the men's team watched the women. And, when I watched the men play China, the women's team was in presence.

If you will remember the trouncing of the US Basketball team in 2004 in Athens: A third, for the team that was supposed to be "The Dream Team." So, this year is "The Redeem Team." Dedicated to a 3 year committment of teamsmanship in play, to hear the announcers tell it and to see the players play it... That seems to permeate something else: A stated (publicity or accuracy) interest in supporting the US team in other sports... That is as it should be, and has been a criticism of the US team in the past. Because, afterall, it may be many sports, but it IS one US team...

This is what the Olympics is about....

Okay, so since then I have been a sporadic watcher: sometimes watching the tape delayed prime time telecasts, watching the off network telecasts, watching the live shows when I can not sleep.

I was glad for Michael Phelps that he won his 8 metals: with that hype, can you imagine the let down if he did not...

I am not really interested in the metal count. I enjoy a lot of the human interest stories. But my interest has waned. Although I actually LIKE synchronized swimming, I did not make a priority to watch it.

Last Sunday, I watched the NASCAR race in Michigan instead.

To be honest, I flipped to the Olympics regularly, but if the event of the moment did not catch my eye, well, I did not watch... Having said that, apparently NBC has made a whopping success of their broadcast (television and computer) strategy.

Which brings me to mind the first time I really heard about the Internet for home use: The Winter Olympics were in Lillehammer, Norway in 1994, and whichever network (I want to say NBC, because I used to watch the Today show back then) was covering the Olympics, they were demonstrating this great new invention of the Internet using Prodigy (do you remember Prodigy?) to air the Olympics real time in the USA.... My goodness, how our technological sophistication has increased..

And now, the end of the Olympics. I watched the USA men's basketball team win the gold medal...It was obvious these superstars played as a team. Do I believe the media hype that the team functrioned as a team in China: cheering on their countrymen, visiting places in China, being good teamsmen. I don't know, but I hope so... They certainly demonstrated a joy at winning that supercedes there millionaireships and celebrity....

Is this true, and what lesson do we learn from this? Superstars could not win as individuals in Athen, but could win, as a team in Beijing. Certainly, Michael Phelps could not have broken his records if his team members did not come through...

Okay, so what does this say to us as a nation: We are 50 states, but have to function as a team in the world... And although each nation is sovereign in the world, certainly each nation has to functionas a part of "the world team." What do you think? Do we need "a world team"? Do we have one? Can we have one?

Faux Mice and the Bitch Kitty

2008-07-21T23:52:00.003-05:00

Recently, a friend of mine told be about seeing a news item on TV about "The Feline Frolic." http://www.kcbd.com/Global/story.asp?S=8651439&nav=CcXHb2lk. It is a cat toy, and it works.

It was reasonably priced at Linens N' Things, so I decided to purchase one.... I have two cats, but thought one would be adequate, and hoped they would play nice in the sand box with the toy....

Well, was I wrong: the bitch kitty, Sake, immediately took possession of the toy, and hurt Haiku's feelings with her possessiveness... I trucked back to Linens N' Things the next day to get a second Feline Frolic...

Well the toy comes with a "faux mouse" that wobbles around above the main unit... The girls played with them late into Sunday night, but other times ignored them.

Monday evening, after work, I was planning to go out. The bitch kitty was beside herself about something, and I did not understand. Until I looked at both units: the faux mice were torn off... Haiku has a habit of chewing through string, or yarn, and I suspect de-mobilized both mice in that way... One "faux mouse" was "no mas a mouse" and not to be found. I re-attached the other faux mouse, and spent a few minutes trying substitute faux mouse on the second unit. By the time I came up with something that was not too heavy for the hanging arm, the first faux mouse was detached again...

No wonder the bitch kitty was upset...

Well, after my evening excursion, I returned home and turned on the Feline Frolics again. The faux mouse remained in tact...so far so good...'

The bitch kitty has been affectionate, so I am rewarded for my good works...

Understanding the Cats

2008-06-28T23:15:00.001-05:00

It makes sense to me that the kitties might be behaving a little strangely today, after having a puppy visit last evening, even if only for an hour and a half or so...But, it is also interesting to see what is going on.

Really, not much different, until I sat on the sofa, late morning. Sake wanted to join me, but her sniffings of the area where the Puppy sat told me she was not too pleased, and a little curious. Late morning, she asked to go out, and I put her in her pen. It was hot, but not oppressively so. After I finished the project I was doing, I decided to sit outside with her, delaying my next inside projects until the baseball game came on. She wanted inside after about 45 minutes. Later, when I was at the table, she sat there with me. She was in my way, so I moved to the sofa, and she came there to sit by my side, and out of my way. She has increasingly wanted to lay on the arm of the sofa, and have me touching her, if not petting her. She did the same today, reaching out with her paw to get my attention, when I was not touching her.

Haiku was asleep in the office when I walked in to tend to something. She woke up, calling to me, and we had a good brief visit that included some tummy rubs. Then, after she woke up, she came into the living room, and climbed on the sofa back. She started licking my hair and ear.. I don't know why, but she has done this before... Something she likes, I guess.

Sake and Haiku have been very particular about when they will and will not be together in the same area. Being on the bed together briefly, in an effort to waken me in the morning, had been the only "together" activity I saw for the longest time. They rarely eat together, although one will sit near the food, watching the other eat, and not approach till the other is done. Typically, Haiku is the watcher.

When I started opening windows, both girls found perches on the all too narrow window sills. And, they discovered that they can both sit on the sofa back: Haiku in the area behind where I typically sit, Sake on the other end of the sofa... Well, good for the windows...

The Dog Next Door

2008-06-28T23:10:00.001-05:00

When the young couple with some small dogs moved in next door, it soon became apparent the dogs were very accomplished escape artists. He soon fixed the fencing, totally replacing the part that faces the alley.

The dogs are outside a lot, and yap a lot. Originally, I was concerned the yapping was due to some need not being met, but as time went on I realized it was just their nature.

Even with the fence repairs, every once in a while, someone escapes. Last night, it was the little female chihuahua like dog. She is white with black and brown spots. She is stout, but not obese...I went out to feed the outside kitties, or take out the trash, or something, and there she was, panting at my back gate. I grabbed her before she could get away, and check, but her family was not home.

As I went about my outside chores, I allowed her to run in the back yard: there was some stray cat food and plenty of water, none of which particularly interested her. She just seemed to want companionship, was happy to be carried, occasionally reached up to kiss me, panting happily.

I finished outside, and brought her into the house. As luck would happen my sparse social life included an activity that evening that involved meeting other folks, so it was one I did not feel I could postpone, nor did I want to. I put a note on the neighbor's door. I did not have their number, although they had had mine previously, and I put it on the note, again. I explained I would be gone but to call me, and that the dog would be locked in the back yard.

Well, as you may recall if you read my blogs, I have two cats, one of whom actually thinks she is bigger and tougher than dogs. Well, my little neighbor came inside, and started running around the house, sniffing. I was watching for marking, but best I could tell, nothing happened. Both cats were astonished by the visitor...

Haiku, the younger, more laid back cat, crouched with hackles up at first. Puppy sniffed. Sake arched her back, fluffed herself out big, and almost hissed. Whatever she said, Puppy bowed, dropped her head, and put her ears down... After that, there was lots of watching and staring. Eventually, Sake disappeared. But NOT before she was incensed to see Puppy climb off and on the sofa, crawl in my lap, and lick my face. And, when Puppy explored the sleeping baskets on the floor, Sake made it clear those were not for puppies. Puppy and Haiku chased a little, but not aggressively. Puppy discovered the waterbed, where Haiku likes to lay, and Haiku did not appreciate her bouncing. So, Haiku settled in on her chair in the office.

Puppy seemed to want to play, so I found a soft ball for fetch. When she started tearing up the soft ball, I found a plastic golf ball which she quite disdainfully eschewed. She checked out cat food but did not eat. She sniffed at water, took a couple of licks "just to see" but obviously was not thirsty, and did not appear distressed or neglected.

I delayed my departure as long as I could, and put Puppy in the back yard. She tried to pry the back gate open (and could have) so I used the geode door stop that kept my cats inside for years, when the screen door did not latch...As luck would have it, as I was in the front drive, preparing to leave, her owner, Heather, arrived.

Heather said Puppy was out earlier in the day, too, sitting at the front door. Waiting to get in... It is good to know she will not run away, but she is so cute, and so friendly, she would be subject to dog-napping quite easily... This time, I did get Heather's number, in case it happened again.

I Love Nights Like This In Texas

2008-06-09T22:30:00.002-05:00

It was very hot today. So, why am I surprised? It is June in West Texas, and it is supposed to be hot today. And everyday for a while...

After the tasks of the day, I settled in my back yard, to relax... It was hot.. but even before the sun set, the breeze was strong enough to cool the air. I could open the windows, and air out the house. I changed from T-shirt and shorts to sweat pants and long-sleeved turtle neck...The thermometer says 75 degrees, but it is amazing how much the breeze impacts that. We do not talk about "wind chill" in the middle of the summer, but there, you have it...

Writer's Block

2008-06-08T23:31:00.002-05:00

I understand about writer's block in a way that has nothing to do with not having ideas about which to write... It has to do with not having the brain space with which to cope with writing... I understand that if our brain is dealing with many different stimuli, it can not focus on and calm down enough to really put thoughts to "paper."

I have been there for more than a year.. Sometimes, my blog has gemmets of what I want to say.. But it is like pulling teeth...

The Value of a Movie

2008-06-07T19:58:00.003-05:00

I work at a psychiatric prison... I interview psychiatrically ill male patients daily, and standard questions include "do you know what the date or day is?" Friday, June 6, 2008, as I interviewed patients who were familiar with me, I asked them another, non-standard question, that while it goes to "fund of knowledge" is a little unorthodox (fund of knowledge usually is: who is the President, what season is it, what sport is played in this season, who makes cars, what oceans touch the United States, what countries touch the United States, count, say the alphabet,etc., depending on level of answerers.)

So, I asked the patients what they knew about World War II.. Most, from the ages of early 20s to late 40s, said they knew little. A couple clicked on "D-Day." Most did not know what D-Day was, until I said, "Did you see Saving Private Ryan?" I told them that the scene on the beach was D-Day, when the Allies landed in France.... Instant recognition... I do not know what they recognized, but hopefully, they were able to put a piece of history in place.

Some time ago, a friend, who grew up in Lubbock, Texas, and had parents who were raised in the area, and I went to the "Silent Wings Museum" which is about the World War II Glider pilots, about 85% of whom trained in Lubbock during WWII. Eventually, Lubbock was the only training place for Glider pilots in WWII... There was the Army Air Field at Reese, which eventually became an Air Force Base, where the Prince of Iran trained in the late 70s... The South Plains Army Air Field, where the glider pilots trained, was at the sight of the current Preston Smith Lubbock International Airport... So, when my friend and I toured the museum, one of her comments was an "aha moment:" her mother used to talk about the glider pilots. But my friend equated those men as the men stationed at Reese Army Air Field, some 10 miles west of town, instead of at the South Plains Army Air Field about 4 miles north of town.. All of a sudden, it made more sense to her...

We all have "aha moments." I had one, after going to the museum the first time, and then re-watching the D-Day movie The Longest Day. A favorite movie for many reasons... I just love the song of the movie. I love that so many stars had credited and uncredited appearances in this picture: it was as if "everybody" wanted to be in this picture, I hope as a tribute to the men and women of WWII who served, suffered, endured or died that day and that war... But, in that movie, it has a very short segment about the (British) Glider division landing in France...Looking through the glider windshield, having seen the glider windshield at the museum, was very authentic: the panel and windshield looked authentic.. it put a piece of history in place. And, by the way, the "Rubber Ruperts" really were used during D-Day!

So, for my patients, their awareness of D-Day is based on Saving Private Ryan. For me, my awareness of the "Rubber Ruperts" was based on a The Longest Day.

Since I visited the Gettysburg Battlefield Memorial, and I am not sure which year that was, I have become very much more aware and sensitive to the lessons of history, especially the lessons of war... Some of the best movies that teach these lessons to me include: Mel Gibson's The Patriot, Clint Eastwood's Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima.

Other movies have given me glimpses of life that I have not been otherwise aware of... Sometimes, it is difficult to distinguish fact from fiction... but research and discretion helps.. And, the lesson of the movies is the lesson the Agatha Christie gives us in the "Miss Marple" stories: the human nature of St Mary Mead's is the same human nature all over the world....

Pulling the Plug

2008-03-12T04:59:00.002-05:00

I was struggling with my Hewlett Packard printer, copier, scanner. It all started a couple of weeks ago when I had to change the color ink cartridge. The first printer I had was a Cannon, and I always dreaded changing the ink cartridges for the Cannon. It was messy, and required commodious resetting of the printer. Well, that dread has persisted, and, although changing the cartridges in the HP PCS is not hard, it evokes an emotional response from me that is illogical, and, up until now, uncalled for.

So, as I said, a couple of weeks ago, I had to change the color ink cartridge. Although I had the correct cartridge as identified by number, the message from the printer was that the cartridge was not the correct one. I double checked, and number on the box, the number on the cartridge and the number on the printer all matched...But the message persisted. After trying several jigglings and wigglings, I turned off the printer, turned it back on, and was able to have the printer do the self test and align cartridge test. And print what I needed to print: a card. About a week later, I had a project consisting of printing about 25 post cards. I made mistake after mistake that I attributed to user error but maintained, unfrustrated.

Sunday, the 9th of March, I tried to work on another project: but the HP PCS informed me the color printer not the correct one. I tried the jiggling and wiggling trick, the shut the printer off and turn it on trick, but nothing. Just an awful noise, and the paper would not feed correctly....

Okay, so now I was frustrated. So much so I could not do anything more with the printer that day. But I decided okay, there is the possibility I got a bad cartridge. Replacing a cartridge is certainly less expensive than replacing a PCS. So, Monday, after work, I purchased another cartridge. After loading it into the machine, I had the same results. I tried the jiggling and wiggling trick, the shut the printer off and turn it on trick, but nothing...

I did not think I would end up with two faulty cartridges... What are the odds?

I was about to walk away from the printer, frustrated, when I remembered my very own saying about electronic equipment: "When all else fails, pull the plug."

Pulling the plug is something I learned in the early 1990s, long before I had a computer. At that time I had an AT&T (that's how old this equipment was, before AT&T equipment became something else) LED answering machine. I did not want an LED answering machine: when I replaced my answering machine, which had a mini-cassette cartridge, I wanted another one just like it: there was a LARGE red light on it, that blinked when I had a message. The mini-cassette cartridge kept the message even if the machine was unplugged, or the power went out... But, I could not find one like that....

So, I opted for a cordless phone LED answering machine combination. It had a tiny, tiny little light that blinked when I had a message, but the light was hardly noticeable... I did not like it. And, I did not like the interminable number of "beeps" before the caller could leave a message. I called customer service, and learned the interminable beeps was a flaw in this type of equipment... But, to reset the "chip" in this equipment, it needed to be unplugged for about 2 to 3 minutes. It worked. The number of beeps decreased... I had to do this regularly, because for this answering machine, every time someone called and hung up, the beeps increased. Evidently, telemarketers hang up when they hear the beeps, because almost every day, the number of beeps increased. But I had very few telemarketer messages. (What a wonderful way to discourage telemarketers, that piece of equipment had a saving grace.)

Actually that piece of equipment had two saving graces: I learned about pulling the plug. Just shutting off the equipment does not work. Actually disconnecting it from the power source was the key, and still is. Over the years, with computers, printers, DVD players, or what have you, this trick has worked. It has worked with the very expensive office printers at work. It has worked with my wireless network, when it needs to be rebooted, only both the modem and the router need to be unplugged. It worked when I dropped my television (don't ask) and although the television still worked, the color was off. The instructions said that when the color was off because of a changed electro-magnetic field, (what possessed me to read the instructions?) to "degauss" the TV, unplug the set for 30 minutes. Thirty minutes was not long enough, but overnight worked. What possessed me to think overnight would work? Who knows?

Well, degaussing a TV because the color is off is not remotely akin to replacing a color cartridge of the correct size, twice, in an HP PCS, only to have it not work and make an awful noise when I tried to print. It sounded like something physical was wrong. But, pulling the plug is a lot less expensive than buying a new PCS (or even a new cartridge, darn it.) So, pull the plug I did..

Lo and behold, the printer worked as it should: it printed in color, it did not make an awful noise, the paper fed correctly... I do not know why pulling the plug worked. But it did....Ah, the mystery of it.

The Democratic Party In Texas

2008-03-12T04:04:00.003-05:00

I heard on the news yesterday that the Democratic Party in Texas has given up counting the delegates from the Caucuses on March 4, 2008. Instead, they will wait until the regional conventions occur, on March 29, 2008, to determine the number of delegates Sen. Clinton and Sen. Obama will be allotted. Apparently, the system is too confusing, and figuring out the apportionment for the million people who (unexpectedly) attended the Caucuses is too difficult. That does not inspire confidence in the Democratic Party in Texas.

Why invent a system you can not use? I have to wonder out loud if the system was invented to allow a few members of the Party to have more influence, but the inventors did not count on a lot of grass roots participation. This system is only 20 years old in Texas. Time to take a look and see if this is really working.

Cat Mania

2008-03-10T21:52:00.004-05:00

I do not understand what has been happening with my cats, but I do realize that something is going on... I call it "Cat Mania" because it seems that my cats have become manic about something about which I do not understand, and they can not explain... A couple of weeks ago, the dominant cat in my house started complaining about my absences, and this has continued. Although my absences have not been long term, the complaints have continued: I was not castigated for going to work, but any after work or weekend activities are reviled, but now I am even castigated for going to work....

Precinct committees, AKA caucuses

2008-03-05T18:59:00.002-06:00

About the Texas Presidential Primary and Precinct Committee meetings, 3/4/08

Texas does their Republican and Democratic Presidential Primaries different, but Texas does just about everything different. This was the first year, in 30, that I ever paid attention to this, and I think that many other Texans have not paid attention to this, either. Apparently, about 65% of the convention delegates are elected by vote, and the other 35% or so are elected by precinct committees...These precinct committees are held directly after the end of voting, at the polling place.

Typically, according to sources, these precinct committees are barely attended...Not so this year: voting was heavy. From personal reports of friends at various precincts, voting cut off was handled in various manners. But, if someone was inside the polling place door, by 7 PM, they had to be allowed to vote: consequently some polling places had voters at voting machines well after 7 PM, the lines were so long.

Precinct committees could not start until polling was done: voting had to be verified, and if the rolls were incomplete, voting could not be verified...Early voters as well as primary day voters could attend, as long as voting was verified on the rolls...

My experience was we went to a small computer lab in the local elementary school where voting is conducted... There were so many in attendance, milling and churning occurred. We were welcomely moved into the cafeteria where there were seats for all..We were fortunate: the 7:15 PM start was delayed maybe 30 minutes for the last of the voters... It was delayed much longer in many precincts across the state...

We were also blessed: unbeknownst to me, the precinct in which I live is the home precinct of the current Lubbock County Democratic Chairperson, and the future one. We had knowledgeable folks conducting the committee meeting. As I learned from reports of friends and the news media, that was not so in many precincts...

We signed in, the count was made, and of the 84 present, 50 were Senator Hillary Clinton supporters, 34 were Senator Barrack Obama supporters: the delegate allotment was 11 and 7 respectively. We elected a chair and secretary, divided into groups, and "elected" delegates: volunteers were called for first. I did not volunteer at first, thinking everyone there would want to be a volunteer, and I would defer. Wrong. We did get eleven (female) volunteers, and the Obama caucus got their 7, were an equal number of alternates for each...

Resolutions were entertained: from the well thought out to the unrealistic and unreasonable..

And, then we were done.... Except, everyone was invited to volunteer to help with the Lubbcok County Convention. (I have actually attended one, previously.) I signed up... And, will be a delegate.

Over and over again during the committee meeting, I was struck by several things, and comparing notes with my friends, they agreed: Senator Barrack Obama may be reaching out to the young voter, but the attendees at my precinct were of all ages, with a predominance of elderly women. The Senator Hillary Clinton delegates were ALL women. Many, many people present said they were torn between candidates, and found themselves willing to say they would come out and support which ever Democratic candidate is nominated...

Ultimately, I think Democrats are FINALLY glad to have not one, but two candidates they can support! I think many of us have thought these two candidates could fill both the Presidential and Vice Presidential slates. I heard Senator Hillary Clinton say the same, and the decision could be who takes which role.

Ultimately, whether Senator Clinton or Senator Obama is nominated as the party choice, I feel confident this fall I can support the Democratic Presidential candidate to the extent I can be supportive of the campaign in some way... It has been years and THANK YOU!

Struggling and Juggling

2008-03-02T10:20:00.000-06:00

I am reading Hillary Rodham Clinton's "It Takes A Village." In one chapter she writes about the various roles women have: daughter, sister, wife, mother, career person. She mentions that she referred to "juggling" her roles in her life. She writes that Mary Catherine Bateson, anthropologist, comments that the problem with juggling is that eventually, inevitably, something gets dropped.

That is how I feel about my life right now....Work has once again become a stressful overload. The supervisor is aware, but has assigned myself and another social worker one and half wards of crisis management patients... One ward is the typical assignment. The reason is understandable, and a little complex, and I will not go into it, because it really is someone else's story, not mine. The supervisor is aware that she has asked us to take on extra, and when we get overwhelmed, we tell her what we need help with, and she divvies up the tasks to others...

But the tell tale signs of being overtaxed are there: In January, shortly after this started, I forgot to pay a bill. I go home at night and do not want to do anything. I am experiencing insomnia again. I have days of low level panic: racing heart, shakes, poor focus and concentration. I forget things. I write things that make no sense, especially when I am handwriting and not keystroking. I leave words out, or do not finish writing words. When I am speaking, I say wrong words... We have requested a meeting with the supervisor, after she finished yearly evaluations, but another crisis intervened... Ah, so it is....

Having been offered this challenge, I feel positive and confident that I am meeting it as well as I can. I am gratified that my coworkers from other disciplines are understanding, complimentary, supportive.

I like my work. I am good at what I do, I am effective with the patients who really want help, in the psychiatric prison in which I work. I feel I do important work, and if there is ever an under served population, it is prisoners...But, to continue, I have to be able to survive and function with a manageable workload. We are understaffed, and I am complimented I am called on to do more.. And I accept the challenge, but know there is a limit... And, I have to protect myself.

The Hunt for Red October

2008-02-17T00:35:00.004-06:00

I fell in love with Jack Ryan when I first started reading Tom Clancy's novels. I did not flock to see movies, but did enjoy "The Hunt for Red October" in the theater and still love it. It has been on TV quite a bit lately, and is a good movie for me to watch when I can not sleep, which seems to be often, these days. And, which is the case right now.

It's been a while since I have read any Tom Clancy...But, I still love "The Hunt for Red October." I guess it is because I love the improbable Jack Ryan character, I love Sean Connery, and the movie brings me to a time in my life that was good....

"The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming" also bring me to a time in my life that was good.

Both movies are more relevant when we can remember the Cold War and the way it influenced our lives.

We are in a world conflicted that is really just as dangerous: I heard it said tonight that the world does not like America... I have thought this for a long time... Tonight, when I heard this, I was at a political rally for Hillary Clinton: the speaker was President Clinton. His comments about the world not liking America are so accurate... I think of this in terms of our consumptiveness without regard for the resources and means of people in other parts of the world....I can not recall to list all the reasons President Clinton gave for the world not liking us: but our duplicity in dealing with the world ranked in all the reasons...

This is going to be a monumentous election for the United States Presidency: The apparent front running candidates are Senator John McCain, Senatory Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama. Sen. McCain is the most "known" entity, his story is well known, and for a Republican, he is relatively open-minded.

For the Democrats, the front runners are a Black male and a woman. No matter how we look at it, the candidate will be historic....

I may be deluding myself, but I see this election as a "no lose" proposition: I see the three named candidates as being people of character who will deal with the nations of the world in keeping with their character.

In "The Hunt for Red October" Captain Ramius was willing to defect to make a statement about dealing with the world in a way that was not duplistic or confrontational... We need leaders who have the same understanding about dealing with the world...

One campaign slogan President Clinton used tonight is "America is Back." I have to think no matter who is elected, America is back...

The Appalachian Trail

2008-02-03T16:07:00.000-06:00

Last summer, I had the wild hair idea that it would be quite a feat to hike part or all of the Appalachian Trail.. I have had that wild hair idea more than once before in my life, but have not acted on it..

I have, more than once, driven parts of the Blue Ridge Parkway, that more or less goes along part of the southern route of the Appalachian Trail, not really but sort of. But driving and hiking is very, very different.

This time, it all started because I read a short item in the newspaper that Robert Redford is going to do a movie based on the book "A Walk In The Woods" by Bill Bryson, about Bryson's experience on the Appalachian Trail... I was looking for a good read, and this was a great read, and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone..

I think it interesting that the author's experience with hiking in Pennsylvannia is not too different than my experience driving in Pennsylvannia... I have driven through the Delaware River Gap area, and frankly, it is one of the more well marked areas of Pennsylvannia, but the signage is atrocious: cross the borders to New York or New Jersey, and you are in a different, more well marked world....
I have done some hiking: years ago, in the Western Massachusetts area, I day hiked often in the Leverett, Wendell, Farley, Erving, Northfield area, on what is what I then did not know to be the Metacomet-Monadnock Trail, a "by trail" of the Appalachian Trail.. In the fall of 2006, I was in Massachusetts, at my mother's house, and did some hiking again along the trails. My neighbor, who lived in Millers Falls all his life, told me about a part of the trail on the summit of what I think is Bald Mountain, in Northfield. Fairly accessible, he took me to the trail head, and I was able to take this hike quite easily...He told he he had not known about it until a few years earlier: we had spent our life there, and did not know....

In the late 60s and early 70s, it was not unusual for me to be hiking in Wendell, Leverett, Erving, Farley, and Northfield. And, when I was not hiking I was walking, inveterately walking... Sometimes, I biked and hiked, sometimes I canoed and hiked....

When Steff and I went west, to Yellowstone, the Grand Tetons, and Rocky Mountain Estes Park we hiked.

I have done Carlsbad Caverns more than once, and Sonora Cavern and Longhorn Cavern once.

I have done some short hikes in Palo Duro Cavern and Caprock Canyon State Park, and Copper Breaks State Parks. I have done the Audobon trail at Buffalo Springs Park in Lubbock, the Audobon Trail on Lake Nasworthy in San Angelo, and the Lubbock Landmark trail... I love to hike, to walk.

I do not recall when, but Claudette and I, Mack and Jumper did the ten mile round trip hike to the Clarity Tunnel from Monk's Crossing on the Caprock Canyon Rail Trail..

On December 31, 2003, five of us did the very strenuous 10 mile hike loop at Caprock Canyons up to Fern Cave.

The next year, Claudette, Andrea, and myself did the 3 mile lower loop, which I have also done by myself...

Now, at a time in my life when the one plus mile around the park finds me struggling to make the steps to the curbs, I want to hike again. I am talking with friends about hiking at Caprock Canyon again ...

I will probably never be able to hike even part of the Appalachian Trail. But hiking is good.

Elections and campaigns

2008-01-15T20:11:00.000-06:00

I really want to thank those of you whom have recently commented about the inability to select a candidate this early in the campaign. I have really, really, had it wrong for 55 years, and I am not sure at this late date in my life I will be able to learn how to do this thing, called voting, correctly.

You see, I thought that, at least in part, some of the reason for a campaign is so that voters can get to know about the candidates, and have opportunities to become more informed about the candidates' views on various issues. I thought the campaign is a way for people to learn about the candidate as a person as well as a politico. I thought that the decision is cast on voting day (election day usually, but not always) and until then it does not matter which candidate I support, if I do not vote, the candidate will not have that vote in support of election... Isn't that how it works, or have I missed something here?

So, this early in the campaign/election season, why would we be asking people to make a decision about supporting just one candidate? I want to take as many as I can out for a test drive...

It is true that candidates need to have a base of support, and that comes from many, many places: family, friends, cohorts, political cronies, political parties being just a few places. People with or without funds or other means of support who are like minded. But just because I like a candidate at the beginning of campaign season does it mean I will eventually like that candidate at the end. For example, it might be like working in a campaign for a candidate who is known to change his mind, or be "wishy-washy" only to discover the campaign is disorganized. Both of those things would tell me that I can expect this person to be a little disorganized and wishy-washy in the way he conducts business, be it commercial business or the business of governing....Okay, lesson learned, maybe this is NOT the candidate I want to support....

Several years ago we had a mayoral race in which there were 2 candidates I considered "the lesser of all evils." (It was a crowded race.) I was not markedly in favor of one or the other, felt I could be satisfied with either who was elected. I voted early. In Texas, you can vote early for any reason, just show up at an early voting place in your county and vote....(It's made very easy.) I voted early. Early voting usually ends 5 or so days before election day. Not always. In this election, in the final days of the campaign (after I had voted early) the one of two candidates I did not vote for engaged in some campaign tactics, that for me, would have decisively helped me to decide against him. (He was making some personal attacks against an opponent (the candidate I voted for) and his family. I was appalled, but apparently, many of my neighbors believed what turned out to be lies about the attacked candidate.) I was not smug about the fact I had chosen correctly, but knew if I had voted after these tactics came out, I would not have had any trouble making up my mind. Well, the candidate I voted for lost, so obviously there were people who did not care about the other candidate's tactics, and he was elected, anyway. It was a close race, and the winner used tactics at the end of the campaign he thought would give him the edge. They did. As it turned out, these tactics were an accurate indicator of his character, and he did not get re-elected. But, deciding early prevented me from having all the information the entire campaign would afford, had I waited.

Or, what about supporting more than one candidate. Sure, many people who do so are "hedging their bets" in hopes of currying favor with whomever wins, but what if someone genuinely likes parts of each person's platform. The reality is, it is highly unlikely that any one candidate will represent everything just the way you like it.. So, you pledge your support with an acknowledgement of "I am supporting you because of X but I dislike your stance on Y. Your candidacy may get more or less support from me depending on how you prioritize these issues."

Lets face it, campaigns are run by professionals. But, many of the professionals will move on to another campaign, or another issue, as time goes by. Hopefully, the professionals work for candidates with whom they have some political/issues alignment. But does this always happen? I am skeptical.. And, many of the "professionals" work on the campaign in hopes of returned favor if their candidate is elected. So, what's in it for me is more than just having an elected official who represents me, what's in it for me is that I expect a pay off for me.

Sure, the campaigns rely on financial donations and volunteer workers' support. Some of those same people get out and work, or donate, year after, and they change allegiances as circumstances require. Others are attracted to one issue, sometimes year after year. Others are attracted to a candidate but not to a candidate every year, in every election. So, as times and circumstance change, support changes. This is true during a campaign and in each campaign.

What I really dislike about political campaigns any more is the extremely large amounts of money that is spent. It is a little like fiscal responsibility is suspended during campaigning... I always wish that this kind of funding could be channeled into social programs. But, I wish that about a lot of different kinds of finances.

So, okay candidate, court me. I admit it, I have no plan to make a decision early in the Presidential election campaign for a candidate. I may even change my party affiliation. I have done that before, to vote in a hotly contested primary in which I have an interest....

The point is, if I really had to make up my mind today, we would be having an election today. The election is in November. As long as I decide by voting day, and vote, I have done a part. If I decide now, if everyone decides now, that nullifies the campaign.

I understand that if I decide early, and work for a candidate, I can help to influence other people to decide the same way I have decided. The truth is, in many elections, the ultimate difference for me between candidates is minimal: I do not trust any of them. I think most can not deliver on their election promises, even if they want to and mean well. And, I think most people in elected positions make decisions based on "what's in it for me." It may be personal profit and gain, moral satisfaction, pay off, idealistic alignment, additional support from constituents or cronies, ego boosts, fame, notoriety. While people may get into politics because of their love of this country and its governing process, I suspect their motivations for their decisions come from elsewhere. Consequently, it is very difficult for me to promote one candidate over another. I do not "love" one candidate over another. I think they are all flawed, and subject to good and bad.

So yes, I tend to be undecided, unless I am going to vote "against" a candidate. Otherwise, poll me until voting day, and I will poll undecided. Even if I do know for whom I plan to vote, I will poll undecided....It is, after all, my prerogative to participate in a secret ballot!