I said this to my family today. But it bears repeating... And has more detail...
Since December of 2005, I have borne an incredibly difficult load at work.. A caseload double what most everyone else had. In the spring of 2006, a new psychiatrist signed on... He spent a week with another psychiatrist, then started working one of the pods I worked. The tenured psychiatrist told me they (the other psychiatrists) figured I could help him learn the ropes... The days and months past, and the double case load continued. The new psychiatrist learned his way.
Working with psychiatrically ill people can be draining, and it was. I began to have less and less energy for my life... I was stuck in an unsatisfying relationship.. My mother was very ill. I had too much emotional stress to be able to be a human being. I worked a lot of overtime, but the few times I wanted to do something really special, I did. Taking time off was cumbersome: getting ready was tiring, but returning to the undone load was exhausting...
But, it was what needed to be done, given the staffing pattern at the time. All things happen for a reason..
I was trying to figure out a very emotionally crippling relationship.. I could not do that and survive at work. Work for me has always been a grounding, a constant, even though, more than once, it has impinged on my personal life... It did again. But, supportively, taking over when I needed it to take over, because I could not deal with my life...I ditched the relationship...
Slowly, slowly, I started sorting out the life I wanted to live. Another new provider came on, and I was able to show him the ropes, too... A compliment, a blessing... But as I did some of the emotional chains were loosened.
Sadly, my Mother died, but in her passing a release of tension occurred. Over the summer, I have regained a desire to do the fun things I did before. And the strength to do them no matter what companionship or lack there of there is....
And, now, at work, the prospect of a changed assignment, and maybe, with that, a different load, hopefully, a lighter load... Things happen for a reason.
When I carried the heavy load at work, I could not, did not want to deal with my life.. Now that I am wanting to deal with my life, there is a prospect to lighten my load at work...
God is good.... Labels: faith, fate, social work
