Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Slug

When I stayed home from work the 24th of May, my boss was delighted: she saw that as me taking care of me. While I slept most of the day, and decided she was right, I saw myself as being a "slug." Quite frankly, for the last almost 10 months, I have been a horrible slug. A lot of it has to do with my taking charge of a very bad relationship,and saying, if it can not be good, it can not be at all. Well, I wanted it to be so badly, I accepted it as bad. When I finally said, "not at all" I kept hoping for it to get better, but it actually ended, which is what should have happened in 2002 and not in 2006. Oh well, sometimes, I am a slow learner.

And, then there is the sorrowful stress of knowing my mother was on a slow course to death. However, until shortly before her death, the quality of life which she sought was there at some level, and she was able to mostly be in her own home, as was her wish.... So, while I am sad that she is gone, the bravery and determination to be in control which she exhibited are inspiring...

But, slug I was, and I have spent a great deal of time the last 11 months finding ways not to be active instead of enjoying opportunities to be active. My two best friends gave me what for on Memorial Day, and I took it to heart: I found myself more willing to enjoy things that day, today I went to work with a better attitude, and although I worked a long day, I came home with a good outlook and took the chance to have some fun kayaking tonight... Maybe I will not be a slug for much longer, but I will still have to work at it for a while...

Tonight, Sake and I sat in the yard while I had dinner and read my emails. Sake wanted in, and the air is cooling off....I had the air conditioner on for a while, but opened the house for now. Shortly, will be in bed time and will close the house again. The point is, when Mack was alive, and when I lived with Bob until right before the divorce, I would have preferred to be sitting outside than inside. I lost that. I hope I will have found that again. It is special to me...I love the fresh air of West Texas. I loved it from when I first moved here. I shared that love with Ken and with Mack, and am glad I have it and I hope to keep it.....

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Lists Don't Work For Me

I am a creature of habit, and one of my life long habits has been to make lists of things to which I feel the need to attend. I have noticed over the last several months that this habit of making lists does not work for me. I forget to put things on my list. I forget to look at my lists. I look at my lists and ignore what needs to be done... What is wrong with me?

I used to be able to accomplish a number of things in a given time frame. My level of production has sorely decreased over the last year. I can not do what I used to do. Some of it started with the pain in my neck which is attributable to two compressed vertebrae. But even so, when I am not experiencing discomfort from that disability, I still find that I am not able to follow up on my lists as once I did...

Recently, my friend Mary wrote a poem about the idyllic nature of her life. I can relate, having once been in a life of that tenor. But, now, I am conflicted and I do not even recognize the nature of the conflict. Or natures of the conflict..

Well, suffice it to say that lists are not working for me, and I do not know what to do to get the things done that I want to get done!

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