This is where I want to be

I love the modern conveniences with which I live: certainly, central heat and air conditioning. In door plumbing. Refrigerators, washing machines and dryers... What luxuries I have in my live.

But, sometimes, I just want to be outside, working hard to survive, dealing with a fire, cold, iron pot cooking, and cutting wood, no real pottie... I don't know why. There really is no glamour in it... It is a hard life... it has value that I am not sure more comfortable life has.... But it helps me to get in touch with who I am. Why I am here. And where I am going....

Maybe I am foolish, but that is how I think sometimes.....

Barely an Ice Storm, But Slick None the Less

It is ice storm time and a long weekend, which does not make a good combination for me. I can hibernate one day. Often, on a three day weekend, I hibernate day two. So this time, I hibernated day one. That was a mistake. I enjoyed the hibernation, but I am the kind of person who does not sleep well if she is not active during the day. So about three hours of sleep was all I could muster.

So, what I want to know, is if the streets are really that treacherous, what are my neighbors doing driving around at 3 and 4 AM. I am guessing some sort of employment must be involved, because there is no good reason to be out on the ice at that hour of the day.

I myself am hoping for thawing weather. My vehicle sits outside and had a casing of ice on it Saturday. So, part of my non-hibernation will be to de-ice the vehicle. And, maybe, go for a quick trip to the store.. I keep a well stocked pantry, but I never have everything I want. Besides, although I keep things "on hand" I generally use up the same things, over and over, so need to restock the shelves.

Melancholia

I have a touch of melancholia tonight. I like that word, melancholia. Not depression, that is too clinical, too permanent. Melancholia, sadness for sadness' sake. I am not sure where the melancholia comes from. I have hibernated all day, doing very little out of the house. It was sunny, not freezing, but with a blustery wind. No reason to be out. I even eschewed my regular walk, but that may have been a mistake...

Tonight, I am listening to KDAV, oldies from the 50s and 60s. Very melancholy music. Lounge music, suitable to listen to while holding onto a drink, sitting near the piano player, in a lounge or nightclub. Also, good fireplace music, but, alas, I have no inside fireplace...

I am content with being here, being nested and nestled up. Enjoying the company of the girls. But, feeling an emptyness, a sadness.

I am thinking about the Sunday evenings of my younger days: Before Uncle Voss lived with us, he would come by on Sunday nights to use the dictionaries, working on the crossword puzzles. Sunday night was mellow: maybe we had been for a ride earlier. But the evening itself was companionable... Waiting for Gunsmoke, and Candid Camera, getting ready for the coming week.... Just quiet.

Later years, we frequently had sandwich meals on Sunday night, and the Reeds joined us... Not always sandwiches, but that kind of food. Also, companionalbe.

Ken and I generally did Sunday supper: A product of both his upbringing and mine, when family would gather. Family, in our case, was whatever friends dropped by or were invited.

For a time, when I was with Bob, we had "Sunday dinner." Regularly, predictably, a big meal. Gator got so he knew we were cooking, and regularly joined us with his friends. It was a pleasant, mellow time. I think it was good for Bob and Gator to have the ritual.....

At Chet's it was mellow, too. He had music as much as TV. I forget to have music, and turn on mindless TV, when music would be better... An important lesson....

And, I like the indirect lighting. No ceiling lights, although the house has them... I like the indirect lighting better. It is softer, gentler...

I frequently have such yearnings for times that were: cross country trips, fireworks, camping, bonfires, box burnings... They are all gone now... I have to make new traditions for me..

I am listening to Elvis "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and it brings an ache to my heart, but it is a good ache....

Melancholia, it is a good word. As you may know, I like words....

Bolero, Bolero Bolero, Bolero

Perhap's Maurice Ravel's greatest known composition is "Bolero." There are those who say it is boring, and those who say it is the product of a man affected with Alzheimer's disease. Apparently, Ravel died after surgery to alleviate what was thought of as a brain disease. Apparently, he had a "collapsed left hemisphere." We know that brain disease does affect behavior, mimicking mental illnesses and deficiencies.

After hearing about Ravel's comments that although Bolero was commissioned as a ballet, it was based on the industrial rhythms he heard when he visited factories with his father, an engineer, I found myself becoming the owner of "The Ultimate Bolero" which is 69 minutes of 10 different versions of "Bolero." Two, by the Boston Symphony Orchestra and the Dallas Symphony Orchestra, run 13-14 minutes. The composition as written by Ravel generally runs 14 - 18 minutes, depending upon the orchestration style.

The other pieces on this CD are variations of Bolero, from Big Band to percussion pieces. All interesting. The track I like best is the Boston Symphony Orchestra version.

Forgiveness

In the book “The Proof” by Dick Francis, the hero repeatedly says “Constant forgiveness destroyed the Soul.” It makes sense: If someone is constantly being forgiven and pardoned, they are made to feel incompetent. They are made to feel as if they have no value. They are made to feel worthless. If someone’s self perception is of no value, no worth, and no capability, how can they have a soul? How can they have any sense of themselves but unworthy. It makes sense.

Atonement is important. As humans we have to be responsible and acknowledge the consequences of our actions. We all know that we are responsible, on some level. When forgiven too often, it becomes as if our actions do not matter, that we do not matter. That does kill the soul.
Remember that. Forgiveness is important, but forgiveness without accountability is like
destroying the soul. Forgive, but let people learn from their experiences. Let them grow, challenge them and let them challenge themselves. That will keep the soul alive.