Patience

A co-worker and I were talking about a very good movie that I was not able to force myself to sit through because it has subtitles.  I explained that I am usually multi-tasking when I watch a movie (at home) so subtitles were distressing to me.  I have the opportunity to see the movie in a setting where I would pretty much be just watching the movie, so I am considering it...

My coworker asked me what I do when I go to a movie theater, and I said "Suffer." Which is sort of true.  I am very impatient during the pre-show, announcements, trailers for new releases, etc.  But I am very selective about the movies I go to the theater to watch, and am usually pretty much involved in the story.  But if I am not, I do suffer.

I was re-reading my post from 2-2-11 and realized that both with cooking and watching movies, I do not have much patience. I do not think that is new.  In fact, that has been a hallmark of mine for many years.

One of the hardest things for me to learn, when I went to work at the prison was to be patient:  there are just times during the day when I can not see patients.  There are just times when the officers who bring patients out to see clinicians are too busy to do that part of their job. There is just down time in this job.  It was a most distressing feeling for the longest time, but eventually I learned to slow it down, but also be prepared to do something different when I can not see patients on my schedule.

Stress

I am nine spots behind in posting.  I know why.  When I get home, my brain is so full of brain chatter and day to day noise that it is very difficult for me to concentrate and think about writing. So, I do not. 

It would help if I developed a meditation/wind down routine to help me to relax, and to let my brain rest so I can be more creative. 

The word puzzles, jigsaws and other games help me with that, but not as much as they used to.  Obviously, it would help me to have a more serious regrouping technique.

Spontaneity…Or The Lack Thereof

I have bemoaned my lack of spontaneity in the past. The weekend of October 15th, I had a very nice time, enjoyed watching some TV sports, went to a pottery demonstration, went to a co-worker’s garage sale, all on my “agenda.” I cooked out, which was not planned until fairly last minute…I even fixed the outside burner without planning to. Those are small things, but things I did fairly spontaneously…


It was a beautiful weekend. I think that I may have some more fun experiences if I were a little more spontaneous when the weather is so nice… I am sure there are other times I would enjoy activities if I were more spontaneous.

Brain Chatter

I wrote several things the weekend of October 9th. I have not been able to think of any topics the next week…I really think it was because it was a busy week for my brain, and even when I was away from work, I had other things that were occupying my brain (including carryover from work.) When my brain has all this background brain chatter occurring, I can not think creatively.

There really is something to getting away and emptying the brain to allow the creative juices to flow. It really does help to have that quiet time.

The Vacation Lingers

I took a very relaxing, very refreshing three day weekend last weekend.  Usually, when I take a trip, I enjoy the trip but do not necessarily come back refreshed.  First of all, as a child, we did not take a lot of overnight vacations.  And, when we did, they always seemed to be stressful: money was tight, my mom did a lot of the work to get ready and go, and we stayed someplace where my mom had to do meals and housework... So a lot of the emotional atmosphere of the vacation was not leisure but business as usual, or even stressful.

I am very task oriented, so "letting go" on a vacation has been hard for me. I tend to plan trips that require certain itineraries or activities that also put pressure on me.

And, I am so anal about my work, that I feel required to "get ahead," not leave anything for my coworkers who are covering for me, to the extent that I feel obligated to work extra-hard to get ready to go.  When I return, I feel the need to get "caught up" right away...So, I put a lot of pressure on myself at work in regards to preparing for and returning from vacation.

My most recent weekend trip was different:  while I "worked ahead" at work, and did some weekend chores during the week, getting ready to leave town was not that stressful. And returning to work was not stressful.

Mostly, though, the plan for my vacation included some specific activities, but nothing required an exact or compact timeline.  While I like camping trips, I stayed in a motel, and had little maintenance chores to do for myself.   Part of what made the trip so relaxing was that I drove through long stretches of beautiful countryside:  What I think are beautiful prairies and plains, rolling sand hills, canyons small and large, coniferous and aspen forested mountains with babbling brooks or rivers chasing the winding road... Just gorgeous. 

This was one of the most relaxing trips I have ever taken...And, amazingly for me, as the work week progressed, and I found myself dealing with the stressors of the day, I was able to take myself back to that relaxed floating feeling I had while I was away...

I do not recall ever doing that with a vacation before...I wonder if I have had other trips that I could have done that with, but did not...Surely, this is not the FIRST time in my life I had a trip that was that relaxing, that stress-free, that enjoyable...

Organizing

I use every organizing trick I can think of, and am always interested in learning new ones.  I use the electronic calendar with reminders to notify me about when bills are due, and when activities are scheduled..  I have a special events electronic reminder service.  I use sticky notes, lists, and notes on doors. 

My calendar tells me when to change the furnace filter.  It tells me when the library books are due.  When I have non-work related appointments.  On Star tells me when to change the oil in the car.

For years, I have called myself (usually at work) to use my answering machine to remind myself about doing things.

When I have invitations, I add them to my calendar.  I have a specific basket where I put pending bills, invitations, notifications of events.  I check this basket once a week, at least. When I purchase a gift for a shower or party, after I wrap the gift, the invitation is moved to be on the gift, so I will know where I am going. And, my calendar tells me when.

Frequently, I load my vehicle the evening before with whatever needs to go with me the next day, as much as possilbe. 

Do I lose things.  Sometimes.  Do I miss things, sometimes. Do I forget things, sometimes.  But I try not to. Do I oversleep, sometimes. Am I late. Sometimes.  But I try to start early for most things, bring a toy for while I am waiting, to allow for delays I can not avoid. 

I do not carry a calendar with me to meetings.  I know my schedule in my head, and if anything unexpected comes up, I have to defer to my calendar... I learned this from someone a long time ago:   it gives you the chance to debate if you really want to commit to that or not.

Okay, so some of preparations are anal retentive, but they keep me on a better track than if I were not as prepared.  It takes me some effort to do these things, but I FEEL better, knowing my ducks are in a row... And, I do not spend scurrying at the last minute energy getting organized.

As far as I am concerned, trying to keep things organized helps my stress level to stay lower, and helps me to do better self care.  And frankly as far as stress and self care go, I need all the help I can get.

Struggling and Juggling

I am reading Hillary Rodham Clinton's "It Takes A Village." In one chapter she writes about the various roles women have: daughter, sister, wife, mother, career person. She mentions that she referred to "juggling" her roles in her life. She writes that Mary Catherine Bateson, anthropologist, comments that the problem with juggling is that eventually, inevitably, something gets dropped.



That is how I feel about my life right now....Work has once again become a stressful overload. The supervisor is aware, but has assigned myself and another social worker one and half wards of crisis management patients... One ward is the typical assignment. The reason is understandable, and a little complex, and I will not go into it, because it really is someone else's story, not mine. The supervisor is aware that she has asked us to take on extra, and when we get overwhelmed, we tell her what we need help with, and she divvies up the tasks to others...



But the tell tale signs of being overtaxed are there: In January, shortly after this started, I forgot to pay a bill. I go home at night and do not want to do anything. I am experiencing insomnia again. I have days of low level panic: racing heart, shakes, poor focus and concentration. I forget things. I write things that make no sense, especially when I am handwriting and not keystroking. I leave words out, or do not finish writing words. When I am speaking, I say wrong words... We have requested a meeting with the supervisor, after she finished yearly evaluations, but another crisis intervened... Ah, so it is....



Having been offered this challenge, I feel positive and confident that I am meeting it as well as I can. I am gratified that my coworkers from other disciplines are understanding, complimentary, supportive.



I like my work. I am good at what I do, I am effective with the patients who really want help, in the psychiatric prison in which I work. I feel I do important work, and if there is ever an under served population, it is prisoners...But, to continue, I have to be able to survive and function with a manageable workload. We are understaffed, and I am complimented I am called on to do more.. And I accept the challenge, but know there is a limit... And, I have to protect myself.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Be Gentle with yourself and others....



This is so obvious, but it comes across in a "duh" moment this morning more than I can say. I will admit that I have been pushing myself through life and not necessarily taking good care of myself, and being self destructive in some ways, many ways.

So, I am reflecting on breaking things and thinking a little differently about that:

A recent clogged drain found me attacking the problem boldly: I thought I was doing well, because I hate plumbing, and yet find myself thinking this is a chore I should be willing to at least try to tackle before I call a plumber. So, plunger, snake and drain cleaner in hand, I could not unclog the drain. I stupidly tried a wire and poked a hole in the bottom of the drain trap. Dummy! The next morning, I woke up and thought: "I can loosen the trap, and fix the drain problem." Well, the first nut loosened easily, but the second did not turn at all: What turned instead was the entire pipe: it broke off near the wall. Well, this is an old house with old brittle plumbing...What did I expect?

Since the sink was in the spare bathroom, I just left it be until the day after Thanksgiving, which was a day off from my employment. I really did not think that I would find a plumber open, but what the heck. The first one I called was open, much to my surprise. About an hour and a half later, he showed up. He even put little paper booties on his feet so he did not track mud and slush in the house from the wet outside. He quickly replaced the drain, discovered it was not the trap that caused the clog, and snaked out the clog. That was great, and he gave me the senior discount on my bill, besides. What did I learn from this? Among other things, I am reminded that having the right skills and the right tools makes many things easy to do. And, I do not always have the right skill or tools.

Yesterday, while multi-tasking, talking on the phone with a friend, I was rolling the TV around as I often do. More than once, I have tipped the TV, but caught it. Not last night: Amazingly, the TV continued playing, and had missed landing on the stack of CDs I had put on the floor. The color was off. My friend suggested buttons on the remote, and I got out the instruction manual for the TV. It suggested, when the color was off, shutting off the TV and unplugging it for 30 minutes. That did not work, but I did not mind watching black and white TV. I realized, this morning, part of the reason I did not mind is that I watch a LOT of History Channel, and they show a lot of old black and white footage. I realized that, after having the TV unplugged overnight, and having the color restored this morning when I turned the TV back on. To the History Channel.. And, started watching black and white history footage interspersed with now color restored footage. The TV is working, with a slight ghost on one side of the screen. (I have not tried the DVD or VCR.) A reminder to me to be more gentle.

My thinking about having a possibly broken TV was interesting: I still have the 13 inch black and white TV I purchased in 1978, after working for a year on a stipend, as a volunteer for Catholic Family Service. Although my salary was very small, I felt rich compared, and appreciated being able to purchase and watch the television very much. The other TV I own was purchased in 1988. And I still appreciate it. So, my thinking includes that I have certainly gotten my money's worth out of televisions, and in the grand cosmic scheme of things, if this one was broken, or if it does not last very long, having been so damaged, so be it. But that shows, also a change in my thinking over the years: Have I been able to advance my thinking to be less concerned about material things or am I just enough financially comfortable to be less concerned about if the television breaks. To be honest, it is the latter. I have been blessed with comfortable (not extravagant but not poverty level) financial circumstances.


So paying for a plumber and replacing a television are not what I was planning to spend money on this month, but so be it, I can afford to do it..... Lesson not learned.


This morning, trying to get a coffee cup off the top shelf of the cupboard, where I store spare porcelain cups, I was neither being gentle nor careful, and I jarred loose a cup from an incomplete set that I rarely use. No big loss: but the message is clear: I have be more careful with myself, with my possessions, my relationships, my life. I need to be more gentle with my world, and not ride so roughshod through life, not caring how I impact others. Not caring that the self destructive practices of my life do impact negatively on the lives others, not caring that even though I have plenty, I need to steward what I have, and to share more. Lesson heeded, can I put it into practice?

This morning, when I signed on to blog, I did something I do not normally do, and clicked on to an unknown blog "Attitude of Gratitude." The name intrigued me. The writings are about gratitude, and about someone who is working on sobriety, and has been for some time. Lesson heeded, can I put it into practice?

I know I need to take better care of my life: tend to chores at hand, be more mindful, steward my self, my body, my resources, my relationships. Spend less time twiddling life away, take more time being a better person. I can do that.... Lesson heeded, can I put it into practice?