Self Talk

Do you know what self talk is?  It is the internal messages we send and give to ourselves, about our selves, that impacts our self esteem, self worth, self image, and general self. 

But in my way of thinking, it is more. It is also the gathering in of messages from other people, messages that we internalize to describe ourselves: What my boss says about me; what my lover says about me; what my family says about me; what my friends say about me.  This internal messaging system helps to create our self image and helps to develop the person we become.

Many of us grow up with negative, or at best, neutral self talk: we are quick to hear about our mistakes, failures, how we disappoint people, what we have done wrong. When we do okay, average, mediocre or as expected, we seldom get positive feedback. We are fortunate when we are recognized for very good effort, accomplishments and activities.

But positive input and feedback are very important to who we are. With positive input, we develop confidence, the desire to achieve more, strive harder, stretch our comfort zones and try new things.

Some thirty years ago, I attended a workshop and learned that what I thought was positive self talk was not: we often give ourselves negative messages, thinking they are positive.  For example, I start to have a conflict with someone, and I decide "it's not worth it."  Well that is really negative self talk. What I can positively decide is that I am worth more than belittling myself by getting into a conflict with this person over a petty argument. Or, if the argument is over a power issue, I can decide that I am worth more than trying to prove my dominance over that person by behaving in a socially unacceptable way.

So, self talk can help us to behave in a more pro-social manner.

Additionally, it is important to remember that when we use self talk, the brain does not process the word "not."  "Not" is not a concrete. The brain processes the concrete.  So, if I say to myself "I am not going to overeat,", my brain processes the overeat part of the statement.  This is weird, but true.   So, if I want to eat less, my self talk needs to be "I eat small portions." 

The example I use with my patients at work is a bowling example:  I can stand at the bowling lane, and tell myself I want to throw a strike.  I can do this one of several ways:  I can tell myself I do not want to throw a gutter ball, but the likelihood of doing so is great.  My mind is in the gutter. Or, I can tell myself I want to throw a strike, or throw the ball down the middle. The likelihood of success has just increased. I have taken my mind out of the gutter.

This is a very good graphic way to teach about negative self talk:  we can have self talk that is in the gutter, or we can have self talk that is straight up the middle.  

Cooling Down

The weather has become summer warm, and controlling the temperature in the house at this time has become a bit of a gambit.  It is really not warm enough for the air conditioner, especially with the over night temperatures reaching into the 30's sometimes. But the day time temperatures are sometimes in the 90's.

So, I am struggling with temperature control right now. In the evenings, after the sun has gone down, and the wind blowing the dust has laid, I can open the house to try to cool the temperature.

But, I am well aware of the crime rate in my neighborhood, and am concerned about easy access through windows.

So, I open windows where I can monitor them. The windows I have do have a lock feature, but that only allows 3-4 inches of air in.   And, I do not trust the lock feature. So my open windows are open when I am up and alert, and can monitor them.

I am hoping to cool the house down tonight. What with the blowing air, and the ambient temperature, I may get some help.

My Hair

If you know me, you know that my personal appearance is not my top priority or concern, although I have to somewhat conform to the conventions of professionalism and try to present half way decently.  But, really, I could care less.

And, working in a prison has reinforced this:  we do not want to look alluring, attractive, even becoming.  Frumpy is not frowned on, as long as we are neat and not unprofessional.

So, my hair has not been a crowning jewel for me, as it is for some women.  For years, I wore my hair long and straight. I did not want anyone touching it, and had it trimmed on my infrequent trips to my mother's house some 2000 miles away.

After a while, that did not work, and I found I needed to have a more professional hair cut. So a friend recommended a hair dresser who I really bonded with, and who provided me with the type of blunt cut plain hair style I wanted.

Then, something strange happened. The hair on the back of my head started waving.  And, after a while, the hair all over my head started waving. So, I have gone to a short, layered cut. I call it my "Meg Ryan" look, because she has short, stick out, wavy hair. Which is what my hair looks like.

I am no longer using the hair dresser I so liked. I am just using the Pro-Cuts a few blocks from my house, and whatever stylist that is available. They each put their own touch on my hair cut.

My most recent cut was very, very short. I ended up with bangs, if my hair dries over my forehead.  If, like today, it does not, I have a cowlick or rooster tail above my forehead (yuck). The hair over my ears molds to cover my ears (and stick out over my ears.)  But with this very short cut, there is little I can do to change or style my hair by combing or drying.  Which is okay with me, but kind of strange.  On the other hand, I really like just being able to run my hand through my hair and have it not change or do anything.

Daylight Savings Time

Most of us have little difficulty adjusting to standard time, when, in the autumn, we push the clock back an hour. It requires a little adjustment, but because it can be the occasion for an extra hour of sleep, it seems not to be a bad adjustment, usually.

Generally, I do not have much difficulty adjusting to daylight savings time. But this year, something is different. Of course, losing an hour of sleep can be a problem. But, part of the problem is that the weather has been so pleasant, that when I get home from work, I do not want to be inside. So, I am outside longer than I intend. But, when I finally do go inside, I still have projects to which to attend, some of which I can not work on outside. So, I expect to complete those projects, although I start later than I am used to doing.

Consequently, I am getting less sleep.  I am feeling the effects of it. So much so, Friday at work was a very, very long day for me.  And, I decided to change my plans for Saturday, to afford me extra rest.  But, here it is, closing in on midnight, and I am still awake.  I do not mind now, but it makes early rising difficult.  And, I keep saying, maybe tomorrow night, I can get to bed early. I also know that if I can force the early rising, I will be able to get to sleep sooner at night, and get my schedule adjusted. It just takes some self discipline.  Of which I am capable, but obviously not engaging in currently.

Pressing

Last week, a co-worker paid me in advance for a knitting project.  I felt an obligation to complete it quickly, and I did. 

Since then, I have taken on several other knitting project orders.  Additionally, I have several books that I want to read, and the deadlines (books due, discussion club dates) are looming.  So, I am feeling like I want to work on those on a regular basis.  And, do the knitting.  I can watch TV and knit at the same time, but not read and watch TV.  And, I can not read and knit.

So, I have been keeping myself consistently busy.  In addition, I have had some other projects, all of which I enjoy, but take time.

And, I am feeling behind at work, so it is not unusual for me to spend between 9 and 10 hours at work, instead of 8 plus lunch.

I was visiting on the phone tonight with a friend. I could not focus to even think what to talk about. She made the point I need to rest and de-stress, wind down.  She was right. (Thank you.)  Although I enjoy reading and knitting, doing it under an even self imposed deadline puts the pressure on.  So, maybe I have been pressing too much, and I needed a night off. 

I took one.  I have knitted some, and read some, but I spent some time with mindless solitaire.  It helps my brain to empty out.

Which is good.  The fact that I have been unable to keep up with regular blogging was an early sign that my brain was too tense, too overwhelmed to relax as it needed to. It still is, but I am feeling a little better tonight...

Why Am I Sooooo Tired?

It happened sometime this afternoon, after 3:30 PM.  I do not know what happened but all of a sudden, my body just became so heavy with tired.  I came home from work, and tended to the various chores and errands I had planned and do routinely, but with multiple breaks.  I usually can get a second wind, but I can not find it tonight.   I am just feeling more and more heavily tired.

This is the last of my computering tonight.  I am going to get on the recliner sofa and lay back...

A Pleasant Surprise

I love bootie slippers.  You know the kind:  plastic soul and fuzzy ankle high boot tops... I have worn through so many pairs of these, I can not count...And, I did it again. So, tonight, I bought another pair. And, when I put them on, I got a pleasant surprise. This pair of slippers had a foam style cushion for the soles.  It was a little disconcerting a first, but what a comfortable surprise...

Easy Listening

I frequently turn on the TV to have what I call "background noise."  It might be a show I am semi-interested in, but am doing something else while watching... I watch a lot of sports this way:  I am doing something else, and the sports is there is the background.  I only pay attention when the pitch and tone of the announcer tells me something exciting is happening...

On the other hand, if it is a show or sports that I am truly interested in, I usually engage in a handiwork project that allows me to concentrate on the show, while still doing something else that can be suspended when necessary to concentrate on the show.

I enjoy music, and have lots of music options:  records (and two turntables), cassettes, and CDS...Oh, and do not forget the music channels from cable... I rarely listen to those.  But I have found that I am increasingly interested in listening to those, especially when I am inside reading. 

Having other programming on interferes with my concentration when I try to write, but the background music allows me to think and write, for the blog, for example...

And, as I am reading and winding down for the night, the music helps me to relax.. I know this.. I just do not take advantage of it...

Some months ago, I was in the home of a most laid back and comfortable couple... They had easy listening music on the TV, very soft.  But there.  I realized that day, that that really did contribute to the environment.  I need to remember this....

The Vacation Lingers

I took a very relaxing, very refreshing three day weekend last weekend.  Usually, when I take a trip, I enjoy the trip but do not necessarily come back refreshed.  First of all, as a child, we did not take a lot of overnight vacations.  And, when we did, they always seemed to be stressful: money was tight, my mom did a lot of the work to get ready and go, and we stayed someplace where my mom had to do meals and housework... So a lot of the emotional atmosphere of the vacation was not leisure but business as usual, or even stressful.

I am very task oriented, so "letting go" on a vacation has been hard for me. I tend to plan trips that require certain itineraries or activities that also put pressure on me.

And, I am so anal about my work, that I feel required to "get ahead," not leave anything for my coworkers who are covering for me, to the extent that I feel obligated to work extra-hard to get ready to go.  When I return, I feel the need to get "caught up" right away...So, I put a lot of pressure on myself at work in regards to preparing for and returning from vacation.

My most recent weekend trip was different:  while I "worked ahead" at work, and did some weekend chores during the week, getting ready to leave town was not that stressful. And returning to work was not stressful.

Mostly, though, the plan for my vacation included some specific activities, but nothing required an exact or compact timeline.  While I like camping trips, I stayed in a motel, and had little maintenance chores to do for myself.   Part of what made the trip so relaxing was that I drove through long stretches of beautiful countryside:  What I think are beautiful prairies and plains, rolling sand hills, canyons small and large, coniferous and aspen forested mountains with babbling brooks or rivers chasing the winding road... Just gorgeous. 

This was one of the most relaxing trips I have ever taken...And, amazingly for me, as the work week progressed, and I found myself dealing with the stressors of the day, I was able to take myself back to that relaxed floating feeling I had while I was away...

I do not recall ever doing that with a vacation before...I wonder if I have had other trips that I could have done that with, but did not...Surely, this is not the FIRST time in my life I had a trip that was that relaxing, that stress-free, that enjoyable...

It Was A Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful day, weather wise.  I sat outside to read the newspaper with my morning cup of coffee.  I worked inside, and outside, had lunch outside, worked outside, took a break and watched part of the race inside, worked outside, ran errands, ate dinner outside, worked outside.  Now, I have opened the windows to allow the fresh night air in, as I watch "America, The Story of Us."

These are the idyllic, pastoral days that I enjoy.  I enjoyed the outside, I took care of chores, I visited with friends, and watched what I wanted to on TV.  I even did some computer work. But at my pace, my schedule, with no no stress or pressure...

These are the kind of days that make me appreciate being alive, appreciate living in West Texas, and appreciate my homestead... I am so blessed.

My wish is that blessing extend to all whom I love and care about, and if a stranger is reading this blog, to you, too.

Organizing

I use every organizing trick I can think of, and am always interested in learning new ones.  I use the electronic calendar with reminders to notify me about when bills are due, and when activities are scheduled..  I have a special events electronic reminder service.  I use sticky notes, lists, and notes on doors. 

My calendar tells me when to change the furnace filter.  It tells me when the library books are due.  When I have non-work related appointments.  On Star tells me when to change the oil in the car.

For years, I have called myself (usually at work) to use my answering machine to remind myself about doing things.

When I have invitations, I add them to my calendar.  I have a specific basket where I put pending bills, invitations, notifications of events.  I check this basket once a week, at least. When I purchase a gift for a shower or party, after I wrap the gift, the invitation is moved to be on the gift, so I will know where I am going. And, my calendar tells me when.

Frequently, I load my vehicle the evening before with whatever needs to go with me the next day, as much as possilbe. 

Do I lose things.  Sometimes.  Do I miss things, sometimes. Do I forget things, sometimes.  But I try not to. Do I oversleep, sometimes. Am I late. Sometimes.  But I try to start early for most things, bring a toy for while I am waiting, to allow for delays I can not avoid. 

I do not carry a calendar with me to meetings.  I know my schedule in my head, and if anything unexpected comes up, I have to defer to my calendar... I learned this from someone a long time ago:   it gives you the chance to debate if you really want to commit to that or not.

Okay, so some of preparations are anal retentive, but they keep me on a better track than if I were not as prepared.  It takes me some effort to do these things, but I FEEL better, knowing my ducks are in a row... And, I do not spend scurrying at the last minute energy getting organized.

As far as I am concerned, trying to keep things organized helps my stress level to stay lower, and helps me to do better self care.  And frankly as far as stress and self care go, I need all the help I can get.

A Day at My Own Pace

This was actually a very productive day.  I went to a workshop, looked at houses, went to an art gallery, went out to lunch, talked to friends, knitted, cleaned house, and did some paperwork, sending cards and letters.  I even watched a movie and some TV.

But, it was a day at my own pace.  The only things set in time were the workshop and the open houses.  But, with that I was able to just fit everything in.

The difference between this and a day of lazing around in regards to my mental attitude is amazing.  I feel so much more effective, productive and worthwhile...I am a creature who is goal oriented, and when I am lazing along, I tend to get mentally bogged down, and have trouble getting things done.

On the other hand, I was not in a struggle to get too much done, and face the mount of unending and pressing tasks that loom regularly at work... Being my own boss made it very pleasant and enjoyable.

I need more days structured at my own pace.

It's Not As Simple as it Seems

For those of you who are MountainWings recipients, today the posting was about their server problems, and the fact changing out the server and getting the daily postings out was not as simple as it seems, as is true for many things in life.

Yet, in my line of work, as a social worker in a psychiatric prison, one of the things I repeatedly tell people is that what we teach them about self care is deceptively simple, too amazingly simple to sound good enough to be helpful...


And, yet it is helpful, and effective. One of the first things we teach patients when they come into the unit is about self care skills: We start with the basics: nutrition, hygiene, sleep, exercise, medication and treatment compliance. It is amazingly, deceptively simple, but it really lays a good foundation for more involved coping skills, including other behavior and thinking changes, such as relaxation skills, stress management and anger management techniques....


And, because the self care skills are so simple, many of our patients disregard their potential for being beneficial or disregard their importance. Yet, over and over again, when I can convince someone to start taking better care of themselves, they notice an improvement right away. Not a cure, just a better sense of well being...


So, this is one instance that life is truly simpler than it seems. It is not a panacea, but a basic foundation for more changes and improvements that are not as simple as they seem, and, as I am frequently told by patients, changes that are "easier said than done." But changes that can be less stressful when someone has a basically positive self care routine.....